grandma shit on top of the toilet
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
God I need to hump something, right now.
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