I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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