super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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