good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
