why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
