I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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