someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
