Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
