Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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