Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
