Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I love you. Go after that dick
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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