We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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