My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize