she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
