i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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