it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
