i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
