you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
