I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
