And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
