maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
