Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
