feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
