Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
