today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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