so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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