i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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