hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.