you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."