Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We named our party play list daddy issues
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.