I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
