I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
