I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
