I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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