I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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