I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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