the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
