She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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