You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
