btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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