just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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