All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
