so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
