Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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