I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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