Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
