So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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