my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
