So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
