so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
