I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
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She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
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I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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