so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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