In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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