my mouth tastes like poor choices
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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