don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
