Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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