OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
