Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
