Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
where am i from again
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
