is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
